Buy "patience", gets "reward"

I think life has more to offer than just waiting for someone to turn over a new leaf. I am too sick and tired of listening to everyone telling me that everything needs patience and the good thing goes to those people who wait. Why I can't just reap the benefits from start????

My relationship has problems. Undeniable. We quarrel everyday. Yes it is that bad. I'm always questioning, would it be our age gap? would it be that I'm still so childish? would it be that we are just not compatible with each other? These questions ought to be answered 5 years ago. Is it too late now? Another question pops up.

Now I'm in between of crossing my own consciousness. Should I stay awake? Half awake? Or just pretend I'm playing dead, DEAD SLEEPING.

5 Years of being together, can it just vanish overnight? Sometimes how I wish I would go into a coma and open my eyes one day, realizing everything is brand new once again.

I never had luck in relationships. I lost all my confidence in being with someone.
I have a long wayyyyy to go in life yet I'm so beat up right now.

Adding salt to my wound, is his family. They are just so so difficult. It makes me so want to give up. Give up on trying to reconcile, give up on being with their beloved and only son. I'm a born rebel, you see. I'm not a born fighter. I'm weak. I'm just just confused now.

We were initially planning on tying the knot in year 2007 but just now, I confessed. I said let's not do it until we are really prepared and ready. He went silent. I went numb feeling oh so guilty.

Is he really the one I'm planning to grow old with? I have doubts now.

Deep down inside, I've already found an answer. But at the same time, can that answer be sprung into action, maybe not.

It's just so difficult being alive right now.